A Transformation That Brings Unconditional Confidence
Kindness in words brings confidence.
Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? Although you have moments of respite, these moments are fleeting and short-lived?
The problem may lie in your confidence—your belief in your ability to succeed when facing challenges.
For many of us, our attitude toward ourselves constantly undermines our self-confidence.
This was my experience for most of my life. My confidence depended on how I felt about my performance.
If I did well, I felt good. If I encountered difficulties, I quickly lost confidence.
It seemed that no matter how many times I succeeded, the slightest misstep would make me doubt myself. And when I failed, I was extremely hard on myself.
So I became increasingly strict with myself. I overworked. I was determined to no longer feel the terrible sensation of “not being good enough.” So I read, studied, and practiced. My confidence always seemed to lie beyond the next book, the next course, or the next project.
Until I burned out.
I couldn’t keep up with that pace, and I’m grateful for that. To recover from the health issues caused by burnout, I needed to change how I treated myself and challenge the basic assumptions I held about my abilities.
I had to closely monitor the choices I made and my inner self-talk at all times. How was I treating myself? How did I react when I made mistakes?
Most of us have been taught to be conditionally confident. When things go well, we feel good and confident, but when things get tough, it’s hard to stay motivated. When we make mistakes, we are harsh on ourselves. We are critical, judgmental, and severe.
So we double down. We overwork, over-prepare, and focus on staying ahead of the imagined failure that seems just around the corner.
We become anxious and risk-averse. When we succeed, we can’t fully savor the joy of achievement.
Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that doesn’t rely on external markers of success. This unwavering confidence allows us to remain resilient in adversity and trust ourselves enough to take the next step even when the situation seems bleak.
Imagine being able to trust your abilities in life, believing you have the capacity to tackle challenges in a way that leads to successful outcomes.
What a relief that would be!
Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you can take risks and step out of your comfort zone. When you make mistakes (which are inevitable in growth and learning), you quickly pick yourself up, affirm your efforts, and make necessary changes based on new lessons.
And you keep moving forward.
Life will be filled with possibilities and hope.
So How Do You Achieve This?
Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. Therefore, it requires patience, focus, and effort.
Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff believes that shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is key to maintaining resilience when facing challenges.
Those who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to suffer from depression or anxiety, and they have more confidence in their ability to succeed.
Self-compassion includes three elements: being kind and considerate to yourself rather than harshly self-critical; viewing imperfections in the context of shared human experiences; and seeing things clearly, neither ignoring problems nor exaggerating them.
How to Be Kinder to Yourself
Start by paying attention to how you talk to yourself.
Especially when you make mistakes. Increasing awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t try to skip this step. Most of us are eager to move forward and make changes immediately.
Gently begin practicing a different response.
At first, this may seem a bit silly, depending on how ingrained your critical and judgmental reactions are. Mine were so habitual that I felt awkward for a long time. But persist. Even small changes can have a huge impact on how you feel and what you can do.
Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.
Sometimes, when you fall into a judgmental mode, it’s very difficult to change in the moment. I’ve found it effective to have others express that voice for me during such times, so I spend time with someone who embodies kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.
Practice, practice, practice!
Transformation comes from long-term, consistent effort, not from one-off attempts. Persevere, and in the long run, it will make a huge difference.
This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Focus and explore new ways of being with yourself. Surround yourself with positive people who help you stay focused on your goals.